i don't tell a lot of things to a lot of people. so writing a second post is hard.

one of the things i learnt while trying to cope with the news of my loved one's cancer was you do what you have to do.

you see, she had cancer 3 times.
the first time it was curable.
the second was barely. we were so afraid we were going to lose her. and my heart goes out to all those somewhere out there who have to deal with this everyday; to have your heart to shackled with fear. i pray for you.
the third time, we just knew.

and the second time, i was probably 14? i can't quite remember my immediate reactions. but i cried and prayed practically every night for months. but somehow in school i managed to appear all fine and dandy. i really don't know how i did that and i know i'm not alone in the thousands who have to do it still, everyday. i guess some sort of reflex just kicks in when you're determined to be strong. i didn't realise how hard i was trying to hold myself together until it ended. the problem was that i was proud. i wanted and needed that united, strong front to prove that i could be superhuman and blah blah blah. i thought that i'd lived through enough. i though i'd grown up.

so i'd like to tell all those out there: yes, you are strong. but it's not about your appearance. sometimes, it's about admitting that you're not okay that makes you brave and strong. it's just sometimes about not hiding your scars(it's not about showing the world your scars either, if they see, then it's just what they see. there isn't the need for you to go an extra mile to hide anything) but admitting that you need help to get through it all. it's not even about proving you're strength. you shouldn't have to think that you can and have to handle it all on your own. i'm afraid somewhere down the line it's going to translate to be "i'm all alone". you're not. if you're religious, there's God. if not, hey, what are friends for?

it's okay to break down, it's okay to cry, it's okay. it's okay. it's okay.
it's not the easiest thing to believe, but it's better that believing it's not. why? because it just has to be. and you can make it so.