i carry your heart with me - e e cummings

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

W. H. Auden - Funeral Blues

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

everyday after her passing brings new revelations.
almost two years on and i'm still learning things about her and myself and our lives together and apart.
it's painful. and i still cry myself to sleep regularly.
but it's gonna be okay.
and you've got to believe that.
and many of you might be a lot stronger than i'll ever be and than i was.
but regardless. don't let yourself fall apart the way i did.
i let myself break and fall and tumble. i let it weigh me down for so long i can't remember what it's like to love and not be afraid of the loss.
but i'm telling you now, you will want to love again. you will regain that passion for affections.
so don't let yourself fall apart because it might crush you completely.
if you're broken, you can be fixed
but the point is to keep fighting.
because i've learnt the hard way that the worst thing you can do when you're exhausted is to stop fighting and let go; when you actually start fighting again, when you actually want to fight it, you'll be so far down you won't know where to begin.
keep breathing; keep fighting; keep loving.

one of my favourite books is A Ring of Endless Light because it so beautifully encapsulates the basic lessons of life and death in such a realistic way that i can related to.

Vicky's grandfather, who is terminally ill with cancer, says these poignant words early on in the story:

' "if we knew each morning that there was going to be another morning, and on and on and on, we'd tend not to notice the sun rise, or hear the birds, or the waves rolling into shore. we'd tend not to treasure our time with the people we love. simply the awareness that our mortal lives had a beginning and will have an end enhances the quality of our living. perhaps it's even more intense when we know that the termination of the body is near, but it shouldn't be."

i(vicky) wanted to reach over to him and hold him and say '"it is, oh, it is," but i couldn't.'

sometimes we all just need to be weak.

we need to have someone gather and cradle us in their loving arms, tuck our head beneath their chin, and whisper soft words of wisdom.

we all need to be taken care of.

i don't tell a lot of things to a lot of people. so writing a second post is hard.

one of the things i learnt while trying to cope with the news of my loved one's cancer was you do what you have to do.

you see, she had cancer 3 times.
the first time it was curable.
the second was barely. we were so afraid we were going to lose her. and my heart goes out to all those somewhere out there who have to deal with this everyday; to have your heart to shackled with fear. i pray for you.
the third time, we just knew.

and the second time, i was probably 14? i can't quite remember my immediate reactions. but i cried and prayed practically every night for months. but somehow in school i managed to appear all fine and dandy. i really don't know how i did that and i know i'm not alone in the thousands who have to do it still, everyday. i guess some sort of reflex just kicks in when you're determined to be strong. i didn't realise how hard i was trying to hold myself together until it ended. the problem was that i was proud. i wanted and needed that united, strong front to prove that i could be superhuman and blah blah blah. i thought that i'd lived through enough. i though i'd grown up.

so i'd like to tell all those out there: yes, you are strong. but it's not about your appearance. sometimes, it's about admitting that you're not okay that makes you brave and strong. it's just sometimes about not hiding your scars(it's not about showing the world your scars either, if they see, then it's just what they see. there isn't the need for you to go an extra mile to hide anything) but admitting that you need help to get through it all. it's not even about proving you're strength. you shouldn't have to think that you can and have to handle it all on your own. i'm afraid somewhere down the line it's going to translate to be "i'm all alone". you're not. if you're religious, there's God. if not, hey, what are friends for?

it's okay to break down, it's okay to cry, it's okay. it's okay. it's okay.
it's not the easiest thing to believe, but it's better that believing it's not. why? because it just has to be. and you can make it so.

confession

i don't know how this will go.
i hope i can do this anonymously.

this is a call to all those who have lost a loved one or are about to.
i know you are out there. and i know that your hearts are mourning.
but i just really want to let you know,

you are not alone.

i, too, have lost a loved one to a treacherous monster we know as cancer.
and i've seen how it can rip someone apart. i've seen how it can take away the light in someone's eyes.
i've felt it too.
let me try to help you, please.
i just don't want you to have to be or think that you are alone.